The Last Year

I am one week shy of 39. I am entering the last year of my 30’s. Do I feel accomplished? In my mental health battle, yes. In my ability to process my emotions, yes. Clarity of life in general? It is a toss up, but that is normal. It is not only my last year of my 30’s but my last year of the road to getting my BA in English with a concentration in Creative Writing. Next year is a big year for me overall.

There were so many things that I wanted to do before 40, until I realized that 40 is not the end. 40 is a new beginning overall. I saw my 20’s as practice years. I have seen my 30’s as a stepping stone to build off of what I learned in my 20’s, but also a chance to learn new ways of approaching life. My 30’s have been about righting wrongs, healing, and laying the groundwork for my mental health.

You can’t survive in this world effectively if your mental health is compromised. However, you can exist. Many of us have spent our formative years simply existing. We show up for the people, the things, and go to the places that we love out of duty. We walk through this world with a mindset that you just do your best to get by. That is no way to live life. We are conditioned with this mindset that others have it worse, so why complain! Your feelings matter, your emotions are valid, no matter what anyone else went through. The “you could’ve had it worse” mindset was passed down by women and people who often buried their emotions.

Complaining is not a bad thing, admitting that you are just not feeling ok is a sign of a healthy relationship with your feelings. Many people think that communication is all about expressing your feelings, but it’s also important to listen. Communication is actually more about listening than talking. If you are not comprehending what is being said then it is pointless. Some people mistake communication as something you do to pass time.

Thinking before you speak is a lost art. Everyone is so anxious, and quick to express their opinion without any fear. You were most likely taught that fear is bad. Fear is a good thing when it is not hindering you. It is ok to say that you are afraid of new challenges, but do not let that fear stop you from trying new things. People who try new things, admit that those things are not for them, and move on are some of the bravest people. You miss out on so much when you do not take risks and chances. Playing it safe on a consistent basis is dangerous. You will miss out on some of the most beautiful experiences if you do not take chances.

I honestly do not have many regrets in life because I have learned so much from my failures and setbacks. I have learned who is for me, what is for me, and all the things that are not for me. I have met people who remained stuck mentally in eras, time spans, and logic. I have watched people come and go without any type of reason to have lived.

You do not know it all. You will not figure it all out. You are only behind if you stop trying to be better. Life is a journey and we will always find ourselves learning new things. We will always be on a journey of discovery. If you are not learning new things, then you will become stagnant. Trying to accomplish a million things before 40 is unrealistic. You will drive yourself mad by placing what some may call goals, upon yourself. Goals are specific things to achieve. Goals should not be used as a means to make yourself feel guilty about what you could not achieve.

Every year in December I have a vision board party. I invite other women to make posters, list their goals, or things that they want to do without pressure. Sometimes we achieve the things on our board, but we never shame each other. Life is complex, we could achieve all of our goals, and still be miserable, because we failed to experience joy. You only get to do life once, so here’s to 39. Here’s to a year without the pressure of doing anything, but growing from what I am already building on. I am better than I was a year ago, and that is an achievement all by itself.

Cdj💕