The Evolution

Through mountains and through valleys

Life is funny, life is tough, and life is complicated. I find myself at multiple crossroads at this point in life. Seasonal depression is lifting, but there is so much that I have neglected during my “spell.”

I am less than two months shy of 39. Mentally the pressure is on because I feel like there’s so much that I need to accomplish before 40. I sat with myself the other day and whispered “breathe.” Society has all of these expectations, age limitations, and honestly we live on a floating rock in space. I have never been the type of person to care about other people’s expectations of me.

I set these goals for myself. I put the pressure on myself. I’m grateful that nobody around me holds me to unattainable standards. Even if the people around me did hold me to the standards that I set for myself, I do not think I would care. I am so critical of myself. I give others so much grace, but I have very little patience with myself. I am the go to friend, the one everyone confides in, tells their secrets and leans on. I often feel lonely because I do not feel like I can receive the same security.

I am guarded. I am emotional. I am erratic at times. I live life at my own pace, on my own time, and with my own idea of what to do with what I have been given. I am talented at many things. Not to sound arrogant, but on paper I am excellent at just about everything, where it counts. I am an excellent cook. I am an excellent friend. I am an excellent sibling, daughter, and aunt. I am an excellent editor and writer. I can sing. I am an excellent caretaker, nurturer, and I am kind. Any job that I am assigned, I am excellent at it. I have left so many jobs because of stress. My blood pressure often causes me to have to leave office jobs because I am extremely hypertensive (three blood pressure meds to be exact).

I have been in the medical billing field off and on for 12 years. Office jobs bore me, and although I excel in them, the atmosphere often causes me to get sick. The stress, the customers, the demands in call centers have ran their course with me. I walked away from the last job in December. My blood pressure has been normal since then, but my anxiety has been high lately. Launching back out into writing, creating resumes, and picking my novel back up has been a challenge. Life throws so many curves. I am also anxious “on paper.” I am manic depressive “on paper.” I am medicated, I have been for a few years, but naturally life still throws curves.

I see the growth from a year ago, two years ago, etc. I have changed, I have outgrown people, spaces, and so many acquaintances. Many have distanced themselves from me and I am alright with that. They have to grow just as I do. I have never lost a true friend violently or with animosity. Many people say that their desire to please others wears off around 40, and I realize that I have not really had that desire for a long time. I was never much of a people pleaser. Once again I hold myself to standards that are ridiculous at times. I criticize myself, I overthink about my own life decisions, choices, and actions.

The evolution of myself (C) will never be an overnight process. Life will throw curves, life will be painful at times because that is just a reality. I let life take away my whimsy, my delusions, and excitement. Someone once told me that in order to be creative and successful, you need to be a little delusional. You need to see yourself as great, you need to be confident in your abilities, because if nobody else will cheer you on, then you will have to do it yourself. I am tapping into my whimsical energy again. I am learning to live without fear again because being self aware on a high frequency is naturally stressful. The world is on fire, but I’m going to create in the midst of it.

Ciara J 💕