When I was in my 20’s I blogged and wrote in my journal a lot. At the end of my 20’s I took all those blog and journal entries, combined them into two books then self published them. I also use to do a blog entry before my birthday, every year of the number of things I’d learned within that year. For example; 32 things I learned at 32.
I kept this up for years until I turned 33. Something changed that year. So much changed in 2020, for everyone, not just me. I never picked it back up and I have my theories about that. Within the next week I’ll be winding up 37 and I have so many thoughts. I do not want to do a countdown next week, it seems cliche. I do however want to do a “reflection” type of thing, flow, vibe.
I have found myself. In the past couple years, I have found myself. I have found my tribe, my beliefs and stances. That is not to say that I am done learning and growing, because I have learned that we will find ourselves learning and growing throughout life no matter what age we are. I have not met all the people who will love me. I have not met all the people who will hate me. I have not met all the people who will change me for better, even if it hurts.
I can remember being younger and thinking that 30 was old. I think that we all viewed it that way until we reached that mountain. The 30’s have been eye opening for me and I have had the pleasure of experiencing much of it as a carefree Black woman. That does not mean that I have not had challenges or issues, it just means that I have had the space to get to know me. I have spent my 30’s alone in the sense that I have not attached myself to life or humans in a way that is irreversible.
I have spent my 30’s chasing emotional highs, emotional lows, experiences, challenges and healing. I have had crash outs, irrational plans, financial set backs but I have also been places I never imagined. I have traveled this country, and even touched another part of the world. I have so much more to see and do. In finding myself, I have also found the things that I do not like about myself. The procrastination, the self doubt, and the need to control things, beyond my control.
I have learned that we will not receive an answer to everything. There are circumstances and situations that we will never understand. In this moment, I have found myself, but there is more of “me” to find beyond this era.
Ciara J 💕